Most of the articles that I
have read about sexual incompatibility in a relationship, basically say that it
is doomed unless:
1. You’re willing to
refrain from having the sex that you want.
2. You’re partner
just goes along with what you want, passively (yet doesn’t enjoy it).
3. She/he allows you
to cheat, respectfully. (Meaning that she/he accepts that you’re going to
fulfill your desires elsewhere, but expects you to be discreet.)
4. You cheat without
your partner’s clear knowledge. (Most partners have an idea that you are cheating when you cheat, but some just choose to ignore it, based on what they
want or need out of the relationship.)
I don’t think that these
would be acceptable alternatives for most relationships, yet what do you do,
because one or the other is what will happen in most situations where sexual
incompatibility is involved.
Not everyone sees sex as a
basic human need. They don’t all agree with Maslow’s Theory http://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html. I think that a large problem with agreement and
understanding, is the fact that not all people have the same level of sexual
drive, so sex is not as important to some people. I personally agree with
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Theory.
So let’s go back to what
causes such a wide difference in sexual drive in different people. There are many
things that affect sex drive: Hormones; chemical imbalance; biological makeup;
mood; medication; depression; mental illness; suppression based on religion, or
what you were raised to believe about sex; your first sexual experience; your
attraction to your partner, etc. And on top of that, there can be many factors
that can negatively affect the act itself, during each individual act, such as:
hygiene, hormone fluctuation, atmosphere, location, the medicine that you took,
how tired you are, age…… As you can see, there are many things that can affect
sexual drive.
When there is a problem with
compatibility, there should be a lot of communicating, and there should be an
accountability for self-awareness; or trying to figure out why your drive is
low, if that is the problem. It could also be that your partner’s drive is
extremely high, but no matter the desire, it needs to be figured out if you
wish to maintain a happy, healthy relationship, without the above scenarios
that I started with. When you make a commitment to your partner, helping your
partner to achieve and maintain happiness should be an important part of that
commitment.
People unite or get married
for many reasons, and it isn’t always about love. Some of us couldn’t imagine
not marrying for love, but it’s a fact of life for some. When love is the
reason for the union, sex is usually a natural part of that union. So what
happens when everything about your partner is perfect for you, except the sex?
We’re going to go back to those 4 things that I began the article with, for a
moment. Are those things fair to the person that you love? Is it fair that you
united with this person, probably knowing that the sex wasn’t what you wanted,
but your love for your significant other, overshadowed that issue? It should’ve
been discussed before your commitment to each other. At this point in time, I
think that most adults know that most things about your partner won’t change
once you’re married, so the signs are usually there.
What do you do if you’re the
unfulfilled one? Let’s take some advice from Sally, of Coupled with D&S,
(an advice blog). “If you’re going to improve your sex life, you will have to
focus your attention on solving the problems in the relationship rather than
stepping out and ignoring the problems (D&S, 2014).” She basically goes on
to say that there should be honest communication, especially about how
important sex is to you, and how you should make pleasing and satisfying your
partner a priority in fixing the problem. Have some empathy for your partner
and why she/he has a lower desire than you. A lot of times, finding what it is
that your partner enjoys sexually, can help to bring out his/her desires to
please you.
Sometimes, an individual
hasn’t had an awakening in the area of sex, and you may have to help him/her
explore different things until you both find what will motivate that to happen.
Read up on the sexual anatomy, what turns most women/men on, and different
techniques (of which you should try, until you find the key to their desire).
Start with what-ever it is that your partner knows pleases them (and if it’s
something that you consider kinky, don’t make any negative comments, or funny
faces; that could ruin everything. Remember, this is your problem, and you
might just like that kink). Once you try what’s known to create desire,
try those things that you’ve read up on and pay attention. Hopefully you and
your partner will have so much fun trying out new things, that you forget that
you had a problem in the first place. GOOD LUCK!!!!
References
David & Sally, (2014,
January 19). In love…except for in the bed: cheating and
sexual incompatibility. Coupled With D&S.
sexual incompatibility. Coupled With D&S.
