Being
in a relationship that tears you down mentally, can break you or force you to
learn to become stronger. When you get to the point where you decide, you and
your life are much more important than your circumstance, it becomes the
turning point to self-empowerment. For most of us, leaving a bad situation gives
us emotional and psychological freedom, but for others it can be the freedom
from physical harm. Some relationships become so bad, that your choices to
leave that relationship come to death, prison, or divorce. So for some, getting out means that you have to mentally
prepare yourself to die, and you have to mentally prepare yourself to go to
prison, and hope to God that the only thing that you will end up having to have
prepared for is divorce. Sadly, in some situations it comes to death, or prison
in order to get out of an oppressive relationship. But the alternative is to
remain in a situation that doesn’t allow you to LIVE your life; you’re just existing
for the purpose of mostly serving your significant other. Some will never
understand the meaning of this, and just know that you are blessed if you
don’t. But for those who do, this is for you.
Getting
Out
Knowing
that I could no longer live in my situation, I had to think about how I was
going to leave without ending up with yet another loaded gun to my head. I felt
that I had to handle it on my own, because if I got my family involved, and one
or more of them lost their lives because of me, I didn’t know how I would live
with myself. This was my situation, this was the man who I chose, so I had to
handle it. Getting a restraining order was not going to protect me, although I
went to get one and was ready to have it served, until we got to the house and
my stomach was in knots. That was my cue to leave, with the cop and the two
people who came with me (at least that’s how I remember it). When I came back
home that next day and went to my room to lay down, there was a 357 magnum gun
under the pillow. My instincts were right on point. Thank God that I turned
around the night before.
I
knew that I may not be able to prevent losing my life, but that was much better
than continuing to exist in my situation. Or maybe he would be so surprised
that I finally got the strength to turn a gun on him, I might get the drop on
him and take his life. Prison was still better than continuing to exist in my
situation. But in the end, it ended with an attempt at fighting back, with me
ending up on the floor after getting hit in the head with a lamp or a fist (I
thought it was the lamp, since it broke at the same time that I was hit, but he
said that it was his fist). Of course it really doesn’t matter which, but I
need to tell my story as accurately as I remember it. When I got up from the
floor in tears, I was also bleeding from my nose. I think that we both knew
that someone was going to die in that house very soon, so he finally left, and
that was the end of my “situation”.
I
still had to deal with the threat of him hurting me, at least in my mind, but
it all came to a complete end once my divorce became final, 2 years later. I realized
after getting my decree, the threats and mean comments stopped once the divorce
was official. I was finally free………..
The
Aftermath
Rebuilding
my self-esteem would take a conscious effort to not allow anyone else’s
thoughts and opinions matter to me, when it came to me. In the aftermath of my
marriage, it was easy, because emotion was not much of a factor. But as my
emotional numbness began to subside, I had to find a way to protect my emotions
and rebuild my self-esteem. It took a lot of thinking, praying, reading,
self-discipline, focus, and decisions to force myself to believe certain
things, in order to build and maintain my self-confidence. What does all of
that mean? I had to learn to control my thoughts, to benefit me and my
self-esteem. Tolerance wasn’t something that I was willing to nurture. The only
importance was to build my self-confidence, and that was going to take a
certain amount of selfishness, and quite of bit of narcissistic thinking. To me, it was paramount to building my mental
strength, in order to never allow myself to be hurt again.
I
learned to think about possible situations that could hurt me emotionally, then
I would think of ways to prevent the hurt through my thoughts. An example of
what I mean would be this: [When I finally began to think about trying to be in
a relationship, I would think about whether I was ready to handle it, if a guy
broke up with me. What would I do if that happened? Would I be able to handle
it emotionally? So, I told myself that if he broke up with me, that was on him
and his lost, because I am a great catch. I would always try to be fair, so the
problem would be his.] This type of thinking helped me to develop a high
self-esteem, especially because I really believed it. I would think of all of
my qualities, and I would always try to do the right thing when I was involved,
so why would I ever blame myself if it didn’t work out. In order for that to
work, I really did always try to do the right thing. Including admitting when I
was wrong. I wasn’t always able to do it in the heat of the moment, but when I thought
about it, it wasn’t hard to do.
So,
for this type of thinking to work I had to self-reflect often, I had to work on
me constantly, I had to try to be the best that I could be for me. Society’s
rules and norms didn’t always work for me, so my individualistic thinking and
beliefs are what I had to depend on. But not all people are able to pull
strength and guidance from individualistic thinking, so those who have a group
or family who are supportive, with understanding and positive reinforcement, they
should by all means lean on them. But the moment someone makes them feel bad
about their situation, they should cut them off. Those types of people will set
a person back in their healing. When someone is healing, they should NEVER
allow anyone to do that to them. As one heals, they will be able to easily
handle those types of people, but in healing they will only need love and
support.
Beginning
to Heal
Eventually,
I no longer needed my somewhat exaggerated type of thinking. Through healing
and maturing emotionally, and the fact that I’m a realist, when attempting a
relationship of any kind, my sentiment has been “I’ll enjoy it for as long as
it lasts”, or “It just wasn’t meant to be”. I always self-reflect after the end
of any type of relationship or attempt at one, so that I learn and grow by trying
to figure out my contribution to its demise. This type of thinking brings me
peace, and helps me to understand what I need and don’t need to maintain my own
happiness.
In
telling this story, I don’t wish to hurt my ex-husband. As a matter of fact, I
had to eventually forgive him in order to move on with my life in a healthy and
positive way. Years later, he sincerely apologized to me, and explained to me
that he wasn’t able to separate his life in the streets from his home life. He
had been in a gang, and gang-warring had just stopped right before we met. We
are now friendly, my daughters adore their father, my family still have respect
for him, and when you see us at family gatherings, you would never know our
history. Unfortunately, many men will relate to this story on different levels,
and I hope the ones who are still causing harm will see the error in their
ways and get help.
As
you can see, there is life after the pain, but it will take a lot of healing
and self-empowerment. I really don’t want anyone to put themselves in a
situation that could end their life, or send them to jail. Therefore, I am
posting some local, national, and international hotlines for the women and men
to get help. For those who need to, please use this information.
Abuse
Hotlines
Philadelphia
Domestic Violence Hotline 1-866-723-3014
The
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
Help
for Abused and Battered Women
Therapy
Links
Philadelphia
Area
Men’s
Resource Center (This one offers phone counseling)
Links
for Self-Empowerment and Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem
How
I Became Friends with Myself
Self-Empowerment
Guide
How
to Improve Your Self-Esteem: 12 Powerful Tips
Tips
for Building Self-Esteem and Self Love!
A
Very Telling Article as to Why Some Men Abuse
Behind
the Veil: Inside the Mind of Men “That Abuse”
Originally written for Early Bird Nation Blogs.
Part 4 will be posted tomorrow 10/18/16
