The Choice to be Single III: Self-Empowerment

Being in a relationship that tears you down mentally, can break you or force you to learn to become stronger. When you get to the point where you decide, you and your life are much more important than your circumstance, it becomes the turning point to self-empowerment. For most of us, leaving a bad situation gives us emotional and psychological freedom, but for others it can be the freedom from physical harm. Some relationships become so bad, that your choices to leave that relationship come to death, prison, or divorce. So for some, getting out means that you have to mentally prepare yourself to die, and you have to mentally prepare yourself to go to prison, and hope to God that the only thing that you will end up having to have prepared for is divorce. Sadly, in some situations it comes to death, or prison in order to get out of an oppressive relationship. But the alternative is to remain in a situation that doesn’t allow you to LIVE your life; you’re just existing for the purpose of mostly serving your significant other. Some will never understand the meaning of this, and just know that you are blessed if you don’t. But for those who do, this is for you.

Getting Out

Knowing that I could no longer live in my situation, I had to think about how I was going to leave without ending up with yet another loaded gun to my head. I felt that I had to handle it on my own, because if I got my family involved, and one or more of them lost their lives because of me, I didn’t know how I would live with myself. This was my situation, this was the man who I chose, so I had to handle it. Getting a restraining order was not going to protect me, although I went to get one and was ready to have it served, until we got to the house and my stomach was in knots. That was my cue to leave, with the cop and the two people who came with me (at least that’s how I remember it). When I came back home that next day and went to my room to lay down, there was a 357 magnum gun under the pillow. My instincts were right on point. Thank God that I turned around the night before.

I knew that I may not be able to prevent losing my life, but that was much better than continuing to exist in my situation. Or maybe he would be so surprised that I finally got the strength to turn a gun on him, I might get the drop on him and take his life. Prison was still better than continuing to exist in my situation. But in the end, it ended with an attempt at fighting back, with me ending up on the floor after getting hit in the head with a lamp or a fist (I thought it was the lamp, since it broke at the same time that I was hit, but he said that it was his fist). Of course it really doesn’t matter which, but I need to tell my story as accurately as I remember it. When I got up from the floor in tears, I was also bleeding from my nose. I think that we both knew that someone was going to die in that house very soon, so he finally left, and that was the end of my “situation”.

I still had to deal with the threat of him hurting me, at least in my mind, but it all came to a complete end once my divorce became final, 2 years later. I realized after getting my decree, the threats and mean comments stopped once the divorce was official. I was finally free………..

The Aftermath

Rebuilding my self-esteem would take a conscious effort to not allow anyone else’s thoughts and opinions matter to me, when it came to me. In the aftermath of my marriage, it was easy, because emotion was not much of a factor. But as my emotional numbness began to subside, I had to find a way to protect my emotions and rebuild my self-esteem. It took a lot of thinking, praying, reading, self-discipline, focus, and decisions to force myself to believe certain things, in order to build and maintain my self-confidence. What does all of that mean? I had to learn to control my thoughts, to benefit me and my self-esteem. Tolerance wasn’t something that I was willing to nurture. The only importance was to build my self-confidence, and that was going to take a certain amount of selfishness, and quite of bit of narcissistic thinking. To me, it was paramount to building my mental strength, in order to never allow myself to be hurt again.

I learned to think about possible situations that could hurt me emotionally, then I would think of ways to prevent the hurt through my thoughts. An example of what I mean would be this: [When I finally began to think about trying to be in a relationship, I would think about whether I was ready to handle it, if a guy broke up with me. What would I do if that happened? Would I be able to handle it emotionally? So, I told myself that if he broke up with me, that was on him and his lost, because I am a great catch. I would always try to be fair, so the problem would be his.] This type of thinking helped me to develop a high self-esteem, especially because I really believed it. I would think of all of my qualities, and I would always try to do the right thing when I was involved, so why would I ever blame myself if it didn’t work out. In order for that to work, I really did always try to do the right thing. Including admitting when I was wrong. I wasn’t always able to do it in the heat of the moment, but when I thought about it, it wasn’t hard to do.

So, for this type of thinking to work I had to self-reflect often, I had to work on me constantly, I had to try to be the best that I could be for me. Society’s rules and norms didn’t always work for me, so my individualistic thinking and beliefs are what I had to depend on. But not all people are able to pull strength and guidance from individualistic thinking, so those who have a group or family who are supportive, with understanding and positive reinforcement, they should by all means lean on them. But the moment someone makes them feel bad about their situation, they should cut them off. Those types of people will set a person back in their healing. When someone is healing, they should NEVER allow anyone to do that to them. As one heals, they will be able to easily handle those types of people, but in healing they will only need love and support.

Beginning to Heal

Eventually, I no longer needed my somewhat exaggerated type of thinking. Through healing and maturing emotionally, and the fact that I’m a realist, when attempting a relationship of any kind, my sentiment has been “I’ll enjoy it for as long as it lasts”, or “It just wasn’t meant to be”. I always self-reflect after the end of any type of relationship or attempt at one, so that I learn and grow by trying to figure out my contribution to its demise. This type of thinking brings me peace, and helps me to understand what I need and don’t need to maintain my own happiness.

In telling this story, I don’t wish to hurt my ex-husband. As a matter of fact, I had to eventually forgive him in order to move on with my life in a healthy and positive way. Years later, he sincerely apologized to me, and explained to me that he wasn’t able to separate his life in the streets from his home life. He had been in a gang, and gang-warring had just stopped right before we met. We are now friendly, my daughters adore their father, my family still have respect for him, and when you see us at family gatherings, you would never know our history. Unfortunately, many men will relate to this story on different levels, and I hope the ones who are still causing harm will see the error in their ways and get help.

As you can see, there is life after the pain, but it will take a lot of healing and self-empowerment. I really don’t want anyone to put themselves in a situation that could end their life, or send them to jail. Therefore, I am posting some local, national, and international hotlines for the women and men to get help. For those who need to, please use this information.

Abuse Hotlines

Philadelphia Domestic Violence Hotline 1-866-723-3014

http://www.womenagainstabuse.org/index.php/our-services/philadelphia-domestic-violence-hotline

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

 http://www.thehotline.org/

Help for Abused and Battered Women

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-and-battered-women.htm

Therapy Links

Philadelphia Area

https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?city=Philadelphia&county=Philadelphia&spec=8

Men’s Resource Center (This one offers phone counseling)

http://menscenter.org/counseling-services/phone-counseling/

Links for Self-Empowerment and Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem

How I Became Friends with Myself

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shinjini-das/how-i-became-friends-with_b_7057052.html

Self-Empowerment Guide

http://www.selfempowermentguide.com/

How to Improve Your Self-Esteem: 12 Powerful Tips

http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2013/09/11/improve-self-esteem/

Tips for Building Self-Esteem and Self Love!

http://www.spiritwire.com/selfesteemtips.html

A Very Telling Article as to Why Some Men Abuse

Behind the Veil: Inside the Mind of Men “That Abuse”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-reality-corner/201302/behind-the-veil-inside-the-mind-men-abuse

Originally written for Early Bird Nation Blogs.

Part 4 will be posted tomorrow 10/18/16

The Choice to be Single II: The Mind Adapts

As we train our minds to adapt to our circumstance, we can cause ourselves to repel men in order to prove ourselves not in need of them. Out of pain, comes the strength to go it alone, and some of us get really good at it. For me, I had a strong need to prove that I could make it without the help of anyone. Well……without any help from any man, that is.

I grew up as a shy, quiet girl in a family of many men, as a daddy’s girl whose father had seven brothers, as a momma’s girl whose mother had three brothers, as the youngest of seven with four brothers, a multitude of male cousins, and many nephews including some who were around my age and older. I was well protected. So when I got married at 17, I married a man who was also over protective of me and our children. When our marriage ended 14 years later (+2 more years until the divorce was final), I was pretty damaged from many of the things that I had gone through over the years. I was a very private person, so my family never knew what I went through, and everyone thought that we had the perfect marriage, until I could no longer live in my situation. It came to an ugly end.

The Cause

So once my marriage was over, I was emotionally devoid. I also needed to prove that I didn’t need the help of any man to make it in this life. I had been taken care of all of my life, and it was time for me to take care of myself. So I wanted nothing monetary from any man, and that included my ex-husband. I would take care of my own children without any alimony or child support. I had a family that had always stood by me, and I wanted to wash my hands completely of my ex-husband, but that did not affect his access to his children in any way. Once my anger calmed, our children was the one subject that we came together on.

The Effect

My journey to complete independence spilled over into my relationships with the men in my life. I wanted nothing monetary from them, and I needed us to be on equal footing, so that I never had to feel obligated to anyone. I never had to experience what my husband did when he tried to teach me a lesson for working outside of the home. When I decided to go to work after being home for 10 years raising our children, he did nothing for me anymore. It’s the same lesson that I have seen and heard that many men have done to their women who depended on them, when they (the men) didn’t get their way. Withhold money and the ability to use their vehicle.

So what lesson should a woman learn from a man like that? I learned to never depend on a man again, and to always have my own. That’s what I learned, and I taught my daughters to always have their own, no matter what. My focused goal in life was to become as independent as I possibly could for the rest of my life.

I had a hard time accepting money, gifts, and any kind of help from men, for many years. And I still have a bit of a hard time with it, but because I’m conscious of it, and I have softened a bit, when I realize that someone is genuinely trying to help me, I try to allow them to help me. For me, that is growth. So when you’re met with oppression and find your way out of it, you do what-ever you have to do, to never experience oppression again.

Once you get these kinds of thoughts in your head, you fight to never go back to your position of oppression, and your mind adapts to that thought process. It becomes a part of who you are, and you won’t let anything deviate you away from it. Normally, if you’ve come out of a bad relationship, you want no parts of another for a long time. The problem is, that long time can cause you to get use to going it alone, and on top of that, you lose the ability and the patience for tolerating men for any real length of time. You adapt yet another dividing factor that will prevent you from being able to be in, much less maintain, a relationship.

The Fix

For some of us, enough time will pass for us to soften and become conscious of our issues. If not, we become intolerant of allowing any man to share our time and space, and will prefer to dwell in our own independence; To remain the empowered women that we have fought so hard to become; To prove that we don’t need a man in order to be validated in this “man’s” world; To make sure that everyone knows, that we don’t need a man to make it.

For those of us who identify our lack of tolerance, as an issue that prevents man/woman harmony, for the sake of proving that we will never NEED the help of a man to make it in this life, we can make a conscious effort to make amends as we soften. These amends will not come easily, because the fight to overcome the causes of the pain, becomes engrained in our being. The women who learn to fight for their independence, become empowered by their independence. That fight becomes a part of who we are, and is not easily put aside. It will most definitely take a very patient man to love us through it, and to hang in there while we battle with our own strength and power to find a different cause to transport it to.

In closing, I would like to say to the men that love the women who have suffered through some life altering adversities, please be patient and remember this story. Having insight into our battles is actually a tool to give you a slight upper hand in knowing how to help her through it, to love her through it, to guide her through it. Some of us just don’t know how to relegate our strength and power, even when we want to be loved. It’s a hard thing to do, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to love, because it also leaves us vulnerable to the pain that made us fight so hard, to have a fortress around our hearts in the first place. Please be careful with such a fragile part of our strength. That just may be the key to beginning a beautiful, yet rocky, journey to the love affair of your life……..

~L.A.F.~

Originally written for Early Bird Nation Blogs

Part 3 will be posted tomorrow 10/17/16

The Choice to be Single: One Woman's Story

After ending a bad marriage and coming out of it feeling emotionally numb, all I wanted was to feel again. To feel pretty again, to feel sexy again, to feel wanted again, and to feel desired again. So when I met a guy who I was attracted to, and he did all of those things for me, that’s who I was drawn to. I would never have gotten involved with a man who didn’t desire me, and who didn’t think that I was pretty and sexy. In a quest to rebuild my self-esteem, I needed those things from the opposite sex.

Towards the end of my 16 year marriage, I had learned to separate my emotion from the sex, in order to maintain a sexual relationship with the man that I no longer loved. That feat actually gave me the ability to have emotionally detached sex. I learned to be able to satisfy my sexual desires, without the need for an emotional connection. I eventually learned that, that ability also gave me a type of power. It took me some years to realize what was going on, but that is gist of it.

In time, I met a guy that fell in love with me unconditionally. Unconditional Love! You couldn’t ask for a better type of love, yet I couldn’t love him the same. My love for him wasn’t unconditional, so it didn’t work out. We both had some deep emotional issues that prevented us from maintaining a healthy relationship. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice the things that I needed to empower myself, in order for me to survive as a single woman, to remain in a relationship with him. I could not accept his issues, unconditionally. We did much better just maintaining a friendship, and he was still a very important part of my emotional healing.

So over time, I did get into another relationship that lasted 2 years, but it just wasn’t what I needed it to be. After giving my heart twice, following my marriage, and those relationships not working out, I didn’t feel like I could keep giving my heart over and over, so my choice was to remain single. But remaining single didn’t mean giving up having sex. So when getting involved sexually with someone, I made it clear, up front, that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. There had to be a connection, just not an emotional one. And that worked for me.

Focusing on my career and my independence took precedence over any desire for a relationship. It just wasn’t important. Over the years I made a couple of attempts at a relationship, but none lasted beyond four to six months. True colors begin to show by that time, and the colors weren’t pretty. None were bad guys, but they had personality flaws that I couldn’t accept and didn’t have time for. Single was the name of the game.

As I get older, my patience gets less, and my space gets harder to share. The qualities that I would want in a man don’t seem too abundant, and settling is not an option. What are those qualities? Mutual love, respect, and appreciation. Sound simple enough? It does, but there’s something to say for chemistry and an intellectual connection. I’m good with my single life, and sometimes can’t imagine sharing my bed with someone every night.

My story is one of many similar stories as to why so many women choose to remain single. It’s a choice that we are lucky to have, because of the women who fought for us to have it. I truly appreciate the ability to have that choice, because without it, my life would have been so different in a not so good way. The freedom of choice, is a beautiful freedom that I will never take for granted.

~L.A.F~      

Originally written for Early Bird Nation Blogs

Part 2 will be shared on 10/16/16                         

Seduction II: 10 Ways That Men Can Learn to Turn Their Women on

Women can be a little more complicated than men, yet it’s still the simplest things that make us desire you. For some men it just comes natural. Those are men that tend to be viewed as a "ladies man." The one unique quality they have is the ability to make EVERY woman feel special, and it takes an attentive man to recognize what means the most to his particular woman. That is actually any man’s ticket to the heart of his woman……To make her always feel special. Learning to make your woman feel special, will certainly help to stimulate her. Here are 10 ways to help you do just that.

   1.   Make Her Feel SPECIAL

Always make sure that your woman feels like she’s the most special woman in the world. When you’re out at a social gathering, make eye contact often. Let her know with your gaze that out of all the people in the room, she belongs to you. When you’re walking side by side, grab her hand sometimes, when you’re in the car together, peak over at her and lay your hand on her thigh for a minute. These things can give us a sense of comfort that we still have your heart.

   2.   Show Real Interest

Always show real interest in what your woman is doing. Be a great listener and her best support system. You will actually learn a lot about what she needs from you, by listening to her with real interest.

   3.   Touch her
    
Women love to be touched by their man. When you kiss your woman, touch her face. Come up behind her randomly and hug her from behind. If you run into her out in public, grab her and give her a big bear hug, and watch her smile for days. Try to always be attentive and affectionate. But here’s a link to some more intimate touches. Check it out: http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip/32b_love_tip.html 

   4.   Do it, Just Because

Do the dishes for her, just because. Run her bath water for her, just because. Take her car to get it serviced, just because. You don’t need a reason to take over her chores once in a while, and that is a great way to show your woman that you care, non-verbally. Always remember the old adage “Actions speak louder than words”.

   5.   Be the Leader

Many women have to work and take care of their families and home too. They have a lot on their plates, and have to be in control most of the time, so it’s nice to relinquish some of that control when their man is around. It gives them a bit of relief to know that they, and their children, are in good hands and well protected.

   6.   Wear Cologne

Wearing cologne is one of the easiest aphrodisiacs that you can use. We love a good smelling man. Some of the best smelling colognes (panty droppers) out there are:

·         ‘Creed’ Virgin Island Water

·         ‘Yves Saint Laurent’ L’Homme

·         ‘Tom Ford’s’ Neroli Portofino

·         ‘Versace’ Man

·         ‘Chanel’ Bleu

   7.   Kissing

We love kisses! The little pecks on the cheek, on the forehead, on the lips……Just Kiss Us! Another one of the easiest things that men can do to show affection, is to kiss us every-day before we part, and every-night when we meet back up. You might as well throw a hug in there too. Even if we are asleep when you leave the house, never forget to kiss us. Don’t worry about waking us up, we will usually fall back to sleep, with pleasure.

   8.   Bathe Her

Whether you’re taking a bath with her, or washing her back from the side of the tub, bathe your woman. Washing her hair is also quite romantic. If you want to make it an extra special night, run her bath water with a nicely scented bubble bath, have scented candles burning all around the tub or bathroom. If there’s enough candlelight, leave the lights turned off. Maybe even throw some rose petals in the bathwater, and have a bottle of wine waiting on the side of the tub. You can join her, or let her relax alone, but don’t forget to tell her to let you know when she needs you to wash her back.

   9.   Massages

Taking the time to give us a massage, shows attentiveness, patience, and caring. Those things can mean more to us than the massage itself. Here’s a link to some pointers: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a4211/sensual-massage/

  10.  Compliment Her

Never forget to compliment her. A lot of women get complimented all the time by other men, but for some reason it seems like the man that it would mean the most from, doesn’t seem to see what other men see. The first thing many of us think of when we get complimented is our man, and the fact that he didn’t notice. The thought is usually fleeting, but it’s there. When you know that she put extra effort into looking good for whatever reason, compliment her. When she accomplishes something that’s important to her, compliment her. When she does something that makes you proud, let her know. Whenever you think about how lucky you are, just out of the blue, call her up and let her know. We really appreciate this type of thoughtfulness and attentiveness.

These things will make us want to do whatever we can to please you, and that includes in the bedroom. When we are happy and treated well by our men, we like pleasing you. Guys, this can give you more leverage to get what you want, more than anything. Just remember to treat us like the Queens that we should be seen as (you wouldn’t marry or commit to anything less, would you?), and we will gladly treat you like the Kings that you are.

“What will seduce a person is the effort we expend on their behalf, showing how much we care, how much they are worth.

Leaving things to chance is a recipe for disaster, and reveals that we do not take love and romance very seriously (Greene, 2001).”

~The Art of Seduction~

References

Barker, E. (February 15, 2013). 7 Spots your guy should touch (but doesn’t). Cosmopolitan.

            Retrieved from http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a4211/sensual- massage/

Greene, R. (2001). The art of seduction. New York, NY: Penguin Books.

Strovny, D. (2015). Top ten female erogenous zones. Ask Men.

            Retrieved from http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip/32b_love_tip.html

Seduction: 10 Ways for Women to Bring Passion Back into the Bedroom

When it comes to relationships, there are times when the intimacy can become a bit boring. It is the responsibility of both partners to keep the intimacy fresh, fun, and alive. The word Seduction has become synonymous with a negative and manipulative action, but it can be made to be a positive action for the sake of our relationships intimacy, and possibly the survival of it. Seduction can be used to reignite the passion that our relationships began with.

Seduction has been an art since the times of Bathsheba, Helen of Troy, Hsi Shi, and of course, Cleopatra. These women learned the power of seduction and used it to gain the power that they desired. It started out as a way for women to gain power in a male dominated world. In time, men began to realize this power, and certain men, the Duke de Lauzun, the Spaniards who inspired the Don Juan legend, Casanova, Ninon de l’Enclos, were the first to learn to use these techniques as a way to overcome young women, and get them into bed (Greene, 2001).

As I watched the South Korean television drama “The Moon Embracing the Sun” on Netflix, the Crown Princess’s father says to her “Don’t you know how to seduce your husband?”.  They had never consummated their marriage because he despised her. Their marriage was one of a political alliance, but they needed an heir, and he just couldn’t bring himself to consummate it. That made me think about the power of Seduction.

“We all have the power of attraction—the ability to draw people in and hold them in our thrall. Far from all of us, though, are aware of this inner potential, and we imagine attractiveness instead as a near—mystical trait that a select few are born with and the rest will never command. Yet all we need to do to realize our potential is understand what it is in a person’s character that naturally excites people and develop these latent qualities within us.”~The Art of Seduction

When the excitement in the bedroom goes south, do we just let it dwindle as a normal part of being in a long term relationship? Or do we realize the importance of intimacy as a part of our union, our needs, and our happiness. Even if you think that it’s no big deal, once you get back into the swing of things, you will realize that it IS a big deal. When you get that click in your head that lets you know “I need to do something to add some passion back into our relationship”, it’s time for a night of Seduction. These are some things that you can do whenever the passion gets stale. Learn to Seduce your man, as a means of keeping the “irons in the fire”.

There are many things that you can do to spice up things in the bedroom:

1.      So why not start with sexy little text messages throughout the day. Plan your day and night ahead of time, and give him little tidbits of the details of your evening together. Or if you know that he likes dirty talk, then send him an arousing text that will catch him off guard. He will be pleasantly distracted all day, and this will create anticipation.

2.      Whether you decide to go out to eat, or make his favorite meal, make sure that you dress in sexy attire that will certainly get his attention. It is sexy to wear something to flatter your figure, and it’s more seductive to cover-up. A little cleavage won’t hurt though. You can save scantily clad for the bedroom.  Red is always an eye-catcher. (Just a suggestion). And heels are very sexually appealing, at a restaurant, in the house, or in the bedroom.

3.      If you go out to eat, sit next to each other, and do a lot of touching and kissing. Having a drink or two can lighten the mood and make you both a little frisky. Flirt with him in your SEXY voice (which is a low, soft, pleasant tone), and make sure that there’s a lot of eye contact.  Putting certain foods in your mouth slowly while maintaining eye contact, can be very seductive.

4.      Going out dancing can be very sensual, especially Latin dancing. If you need to get lessons, try to get them together. This will be an investment in your relationship.  You can also put some nice slow music on in the bedroom, and “slow drag” to the music.

5.      Taking a shower together is a great way to get each other in the mood. You might not make it out of the shower before your day/night of Seduction pays off, but try to refrain, and help wash each other’s backs. Then again, that can be your starting point. It’s a nice change to have sex outside of the bedroom.

6.      If you decide to shower alone, make sure that you enter the bedroom in a new sexy nighty, or a pretty bra and panty set. You don’t always have to wear a nightgown. You may be tempted to just come out nude, which is fine, but there’s something sexy about having something on, and letting him take it off of you. There is also the visual that you create while in sexy lingerie, that becomes mental food for the memory banks.

7.      Giving your man a massage is almost always a way to get him aroused. Even if he gives you a massage, it can have the same effect. There are plenty of nicely scented massage oils that you can use, or you can just use some lotion. Getting a book on massage techniques can be very beneficial to you both.

8.     Giving your man a footbath and footmassage, and or a hand massage can also cause arousal. Getting that massage book can help you with the best techniques to give a pleasurable foot or hand massage.

9.      For some, role playing is a great way to Seduce. Pretending to be someone else might even help you with some inhibitions. You can create an alter ego, to do things that you would NEVER do as yourself. Buying different wigs can also help with role playing. I don’t think that he will mind a bit.

10.  Here’s a link to some techniques that will keep things fun and exciting:
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/g2028/ways-to-touch-his-penis/ 

Hope that you enjoy it! ;-)

“Seduction is a game of psychology, not beauty, and it is within the grasp of any person to become a master at the game” (Greene, 2001).

                                                       

References

Greene, R. (2001). The art of seduction. New York, NY: Penguin Books.

Jones, L. (2012). 50 sexy ways to touch him there. Cosmopolitan.com
      http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/g2028/ways-to-touch-his-penis/

Originally Published with Earlybirdnation.com

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

My Lie Experiment

        "Everybody lies!"~Says every liar that ever got caught.

Every-time that I would hear (or read) someone say "Everybody lies", I would cringe. For a while I would say "I don't lie", but had to come to terms with the fact that even though telling your children that there is a Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy is just a fairy-tale, it is still an untruth. So I needed to somehow dissect this thing called a lie. Because we know that some lies aren't meant to harm anyone, and some are down right devious. I decided to do this personal experiment to never lie. It lasted for a few months, but I learned a lot about lying, and a lot about myself.

When I first embarked on this query of mine, I asked my cousin Akintiunde (whom I respect immensely for his depth of knowledge), about lying, and that infernal phrase "Everybody lies". He basically told me that not all lies have malicious intent. That one statement said it all for me. I now understood.

 "Most people......lie once or twice a day—almost as often as they snack from the refrigerator or brush their teeth. Both men and women lie in approximately a fifth of their social exchanges lasting 10 or more minutes; over the course of a week they deceive about 30 percent of those with whom they interact one-on-one. Furthermore, some types of relationships, such as those between parents and teens, are virtual magnets for deception."~Psychology Today

So as I decided to live my life without telling ANY lies, not even the little white ones, I didn't think that it would be too hard, and it wasn't, if I didn't care about hurting peoples feelings, or putting the company that I worked for, possibly liable to a lawsuit. Here are some scenarios that I went through whether they were thoughts that I had during this period of truth, or real life situations.

If a guy would hit on me and ask me for my number, I wouldn't just ignore him or give him a wrong number to get him off of my back, I really don't like treating people mean for no reason. I would just be as nice as I could, and let him know that I won't be giving him my number, and I don't like talking on the phone. If he tries to give me his number, I would tell him that I won't take it because I wouldn't call him, and that I don't even call people that I should. I actually still use those lines, because they are true.

When people say that certain babies are cute, and I think that they aren't (because some babies look like aliens, and shriveled up old men), I just try to smile and not say a word, because it isn't necessary.

If someone asks me if I think that a guy is handsome, and he isn't to me (because being handsome is subjective, and relative to the person with the opinion), I will try to just bring up other qualities that I see in him. I don't think that it's necessary to be truthful about something like that, because who does it benefit. It will only hurt the feelings of someone for no good reason. 

There is one statement that I have made many times, and to me it IS the truth. But the religious and legal communities would call me a liar for saying it. It is that "I have never cheated on my husband." My husband was the only person that I had been with sexually until I was 31 years of age. Even though he had cheated on me repeatedly, I never had the desire to cheat on him. So once we discussed that our marriage was over, I no longer felt obligated to stay committed to him. My commitment was to him, not to God, and not to the legal community. I did not wait until my divorce to become sexually involved with another man. And there are many reasons for that, none of which is the business of any religious or legal community. It had to do with my own self preservation and morality. I still stand by that statement as truth. I won't let anyone take my 16 years of commitment to my husband, and try to turn me into an "adulterous whore"*, because of some religious doctrine that I don't follow, or a legal system that didn't protect me from being cheated on (nor would I want it to). 

If a guy asks me, "Why won't you go out with me?", and the truth is "Because you're not someone that I would ever consider dating, because your grooming, hygiene, and vocabulary are turn offs to me. And I can't get past those things to even want to get to know you like that." I would absolutely never tell someone such a thing, because to me that is mean and unnecessary, although it may be the truth, what would it accomplish by being truthful? I would hurt someones feelings that would never be a part of my life anyhow, so what would be the point? So here is where I could see a lie being told, but I would try to find a truth that will work, like "I'm seeing someone." There's usually someone, and seeing someone doesn't necessarily mean dating. ;-)

At work, if you don't phrase your wording correctly, it could come off as discrimination and leave the company liable to lawsuits. And their are just some truths that you can't tell for the same reason. As someone that does the hiring, I have to be very careful of my wording. I don't discriminate, but if certain things that I say aren't worded correctly, I could be leaving the company liable. Then there are the times when you have a project to complete by a deadline, and you get a call to ask if it's done, and you say that you are, but you're not. You say it because you know that it will be done by the end of the day, but it's still a lie. I prefer to tell the truth and say that it will be done by the end of the day. I actually feel much better doing that.

My little experiment helped to reinforce my understanding that telling the truth isn't so hard, and it is very much worth it to know that you are truly an honest person. I also have learned that just because people sometimes tell the occasional white lie, it doesn't make them bad, it just makes them human. The bad part comes in with malicious intent, like lying to do harm to other people and lying so that you don't have to face accountability for your negligible actions. Lying for self gain is something that you have to live with, if that's something that you choose to do. For some, it's a part of survival, or they may believe it's necessary to get the upper hand. Lying to obtain the basics in life is something that may be necessary in some instances. Lying to make yourself look better in the eyes of other people, is something that I have issue with, and do not respect. And I'm not talking about the superficial things that people do to make themselves look better; I'm talking about lying about your circumstance or who you are.

I try never to lie, and I'm pretty good at it (not lying). I still talk about Santa Claus, and the Easter bunny, and you can best believe that I will be telling my grandchild that the puzzling picture that she/he drew, is a masterpiece. And I might have to tell rare uncomfortable lie to protect a loved one or protect my job. But you best believe if I do it, it won't be because it will make my life easier, it will be because not doing so would just be stupid.

When you allow yourself to tell a lie, and you make excuses for why it was okay to do it, it makes it easier to tell that next lie. I always try to find a truthful way to answer the hard questions that would be much easier to lie about. Once you make lying unacceptable to your life, and you learn how to tell the truth and face the consequences, it becomes easier to tell the truth, and hold yourself accountable for all that you do. You have to answer to yourself, if you ever tell a lie. You have to look at yourself in the mirror every morning, and decide if you like the reflection.......And I can say, that I do.

~L.A.F.

"Fortunately, marriage seems to offer some protection against deception: Spouses lie to each other in "only" about 10 percent of their major conversations. The bad news? That 10 percent just refers to the typically minor lies of everyday life. DePaulo recently began looking at the less frequent "big" lies that involve deep betrayals of trust, and she's finding that the vast majority of them occur between people in intimate relationships. "You save your really big lies," she says, "for the person that you're closest to."~Psychology Today

*"adulterous whore" is a term that I greatly dislike, and don't normally use; but used it in this instance to get my point across. 

A Man's Guide to Understanding PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome)

PMS has many levels to it for many different women. Some women never have any real noticeable symptoms, and others feel as though they become mentally ill for a few days every month, and they aren't wrong. Some symptoms are as mild as getting a little breast tenderness, and craving sweets; while others have violent uncontrollable mood swings that can eventually end a/or many relationships. The extreme is called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). "PMDD causes extreme mood shifts that can disrupt your work and damage your relationships (Gallenberg, 2012)."

"In both PMDD and PMS, symptoms usually begin seven to ten days before your period starts and continue for the first few days that you have your period. Both PMDD and PMS may also cause bloating, breast tenderness, fatigue, and changes in sleep and eating habits. In PMDD, however, at least one of these emotional and behavioral symptoms stands out:

•    Sadness or hopelessness
•    Anxiety or tension
•    Extreme moodiness
•    Marked irritability or anger (Gallenberg, 2012)."

PMS is a real serious issue for some. Even though it has been a long standing joke for any woman that might be in a bad mood, it is life altering for many women. Some women have cramps that are so dibilitating, most pain medications can't give them any relief. It is not unheard of for women to have to climb in bed in the fetal position, in order to have a way to cry or moan themselves to sleep. It doesn't give them relief from the pain, it's just almost impossible to maintain any other position until they find sleep.

Some women have severe headaches or migraines, until the relief of the actual onset of monthly menstruation happens. Some women get back cramps that can be mild or as dibilitating as abdominal cramps. Some women get nauseous, and that can become outright vomiting for some. Some women bloat and put on noticable weight during PMS, every month. Some women get extremely fatigued while PMSing, monthly. Many women get uncontrollable mood swings during PMS. It doesn't always matter that you know this is happening, it's just not always controllable.

My personal story is that a couple of days before my period, I get breast tenderness, I crave sweets, I get very tired one or two days leading up to my cycle, and I get moody. Some months are worst than others. When I look back on my marriage, I can say that I may have had minor issues in my relationship with my husband, and it wouldn't be such a big deal to even bring it up during non PMS days. Well, when it came to those few days before my menstrual cycle, it all of a sudden would become a BIG deal, and I may have even started a few arguments because of it. (Smile) Once my cycle began, and I would get a few days behind me, I would think back on those issues that I brought up and think to myself "Now why did you do that?", and I would feel pretty silly for doing it. It was truly out of my control.

My advice to the men that have wives who suffer from PMS, just walk away. Many women who know themselves well, will warn you to give them distance while they're PMSing. LISTEN TO THEM!!! But those who haven't really identified that they have a pretty serious PMS problem, may need you to recognize it for them, and just give them the distance that you now know they need. Understanding and recognizing this can truly save your relationship. If you notice that she has a serious issue, and she doesn't, have a talk with her after her period has gone off. Discuss with her that she needs to talk to her Dr. about it. There are many remedies that can help her, if she recognizes that she has a problem. Those women that suffer from PMDD may have more deeper issues to identify and get help for, but there is help out there for them too.

References

Gallenberg, M. M., (2012, December 12). Premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Mayoclinic.org.

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