The Choice to be Single: One Woman's Story

After ending a bad marriage and coming out of it feeling emotionally numb, all I wanted was to feel again. To feel pretty again, to feel sexy again, to feel wanted again, and to feel desired again. So when I met a guy who I was attracted to, and he did all of those things for me, that’s who I was drawn to. I would never have gotten involved with a man who didn’t desire me, and who didn’t think that I was pretty and sexy. In a quest to rebuild my self-esteem, I needed those things from the opposite sex.

Towards the end of my 16 year marriage, I had learned to separate my emotion from the sex, in order to maintain a sexual relationship with the man that I no longer loved. That feat actually gave me the ability to have emotionally detached sex. I learned to be able to satisfy my sexual desires, without the need for an emotional connection. I eventually learned that, that ability also gave me a type of power. It took me some years to realize what was going on, but that is gist of it.

In time, I met a guy that fell in love with me unconditionally. Unconditional Love! You couldn’t ask for a better type of love, yet I couldn’t love him the same. My love for him wasn’t unconditional, so it didn’t work out. We both had some deep emotional issues that prevented us from maintaining a healthy relationship. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice the things that I needed to empower myself, in order for me to survive as a single woman, to remain in a relationship with him. I could not accept his issues, unconditionally. We did much better just maintaining a friendship, and he was still a very important part of my emotional healing.

So over time, I did get into another relationship that lasted 2 years, but it just wasn’t what I needed it to be. After giving my heart twice, following my marriage, and those relationships not working out, I didn’t feel like I could keep giving my heart over and over, so my choice was to remain single. But remaining single didn’t mean giving up having sex. So when getting involved sexually with someone, I made it clear, up front, that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. There had to be a connection, just not an emotional one. And that worked for me.

Focusing on my career and my independence took precedence over any desire for a relationship. It just wasn’t important. Over the years I made a couple of attempts at a relationship, but none lasted beyond four to six months. True colors begin to show by that time, and the colors weren’t pretty. None were bad guys, but they had personality flaws that I couldn’t accept and didn’t have time for. Single was the name of the game.

As I get older, my patience gets less, and my space gets harder to share. The qualities that I would want in a man don’t seem too abundant, and settling is not an option. What are those qualities? Mutual love, respect, and appreciation. Sound simple enough? It does, but there’s something to say for chemistry and an intellectual connection. I’m good with my single life, and sometimes can’t imagine sharing my bed with someone every night.

My story is one of many similar stories as to why so many women choose to remain single. It’s a choice that we are lucky to have, because of the women who fought for us to have it. I truly appreciate the ability to have that choice, because without it, my life would have been so different in a not so good way. The freedom of choice, is a beautiful freedom that I will never take for granted.

~L.A.F~      

Originally written for Early Bird Nation Blogs

Part 2 will be shared on 10/16/16