Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Art Is...

The Importance of Art/The Arts ~ Art (music, dance, writing, acting, painting, drawing, etc...), in it's purest form, is an expression of deep emotion from the artist. It is also an outlet for those deep emotions; a cathartic release. Many of the artistic geniuses through history suffered from mental illnesses. Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Depression..., even before they had a diagnosis for these disorders. Art is Important to our Mental Health.
Art is also the thing that anthropologists look to as a missing link to unwritten history, because people express their reality in their art. The unrecorded history of historic subcultures have been discovered through historic artifacts. Many times those subcultures have been subjugated and intentionally left out of the dominant cultures history. Or defamed to cover up the mistreatment or abuse of a subculture. Art is Important to the Truth in History.
Art is also the thing that we as human beings learn to appreciate because of our connection to the art of certain artists. We appreciate certain songs, because they speak to our own pain, or heartache, or happiness. Music can touch us even without hearing one word of a lyric. It's that powerful! It is also the tying bond to cultures who may never even know how to speak each others language. Music has the power to make us get up and dance because we can actually feel it in our souls when certain songs are played. Art is Spiritual.
We can look at a painting or drawing and interpret it to mean something near and dear to our own hearts, even if others look at it in horror or confusion. Art is Subjective.
We can read a book and feel and understand every word of the writer. And sometimes even read it more than once, yet you can recommend it to someone else and they think that you lost your mind. They can't relate, but you can. Art is Relative.
It's the same with movies and the reason that diversity is important with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. No one can feel the experience of a culture, more than that culture. If you have all, or mostly, non Blacks on the motion picture board of governors, how can they ever appreciate a Black story on its own merit. Sure, they maybe able to appreciate a universal story told with a Black cast, but what about our own unique stories. They can't relate so they usually can't recognize the genius in a well told unique Black story. Art is Relative.
Art is a reflection of society and the artists experience. Many people dislike a lot of rap music because of the misogyny, violence, vulgar lyrics and all the negativity that some of it spews. If this is their reality, why would you censor it? I know that many believe that art affects the morality of the youth. But I believe that it's an expression of their reality. You can't squash their truth. (It's an age old debate. Does art imitate life, or does life imitate art?) Many times, these artists grow out of these lyrics because they mature and evolve into different people. Look at Ice Cube. He went from "F**k the Police" to playing a cop living in the suburbs in a couple of his movies. The same with Ice T. Art and Artists Evolve.
My point is that art is an extremely important human expression and I will never be for censoring an artist. I will use my wonderful ability to choose who and what I wish to enjoy artistically based on my personal relationship with the art of my enjoyment. And anything that I may personally find repugnant, I will use my same ability to choose, to not indulge. Also, attempting to censor any type of art, in my humble opinion, is to remove a part of history that can teach future generations a lesson or two. Art is History. ~L.A.F.~
Art by Gerd Altmann on Pixaby

Sunday, July 2, 2017

The Perceived Complexities of Nova Borderlon (Queen Sugar)

Nova Borderlon (my favorite Queen Sugar character) is one of the deepest, most down to earth characters that I've ever seen portrayed in any television show, yet one of the reasons that some people see her as complex is because of her seeming inability to pin down a gender or race to be involved in a romantic relationship with. From my perception, Nova understands that we all come from the human race, and race and gender identities are a part of social constructs to keep us all in our places as a part of a society.
The beautiful Rutina Wesley
as Nova Borderlon of
Queen Sugar.
She has the ability to deconstruct those identities for what they are, and not allow society to tell her who she should have romantic feelings for. This is quite admirable to me, for many people hold onto these identities with the belief that these cultural ideals are just how these things are supposed to be.

These identities most certainly were put in place for a reason, and the gender roles helped to define our societal roles in order for us to socialize in the most efficient and communal way as citizens of a society, during a time when these roles were necessary. But is it still necessary to attach gender roles to any sex, or is this an antiquated ideology?

Once you know and understand the historical/social reason for gender roles, your choice to not conform and to be an individual is your decision, and making that decision comes with the consequences of the views and judgement's of that society, and your ability to handle those views and judgement's. Nova Bordelon seems to be able to accept that consequence, with no apologies.

To get a more focused understanding about societal gender roles, here are a couple definitions of these roles.

     Gender - The roles that people perform in there households 
     and communities and the values and attitudes that people have 
     regarding men and women.

     Gender Construct - The set of cultural assumptions about 
     gender roles and values and the relations between the genders 
     that people learn as members of their societies (Bonvillain, N., 2010, Pg. 240)."

Another perceived complexity, or some may call it confusion, is the fact that Nova is Pro Black, yet continuously deals romantically with White men. Some people have the misunderstanding that you can't be Pro Black and have romantic feelings for other races. One thing has nothing to do with the other, or shouldn't.

As a Pro Black woman myself, I have no Ill feelings towards any other race, and don't feel any type of betrayal when members of the Black race find other races attractive. We are all members of the human race, and our external features only identify the regions of the world that our ancesters' settled in, and adapted to. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't some people who have identity issues, who date outside of their race because of self hate, but Nova Bordelon is not that. And Pro Black doesn't mean that you can't love someone of another race, and that includes the White race.

Here are a few brief explanations to define the term  "Race" as the social construct that it is.

     Race - A cultural category that groups people according to so-called 
     racial distinctions.

     Race is a social, not a biological, category. There are no absolute 
     biological differences among people that would allow for an objective 
     categorization of human beings into discrete non-overlapping groups.

     So called racial distinctions focus on a particular set of external 
     physical traits (skin color, hair color and texture, facial features, etc.) 
     that are then used to identify different "races."

     The classification, labeling, and valuing of these differences as races 
     are entirely arbitrary (Pg.287).

I see Nova Bordelon as a courageous, free thinking trailblazer who practices free will, and not the confused soul that many see her as. She is a non-conformist who lives life on her own terms with no apologies. Does she have issues? Most certainly, but we all have them and if we're lucky, in time we will learn from them, grow from them, and find our balance as an end result. I can't wait to see how Nova's character takes her through her extraordinary life's journey, and what we can learn from her as a result of it.

See you all on the other side of the next episode of Queen Sugar! 😊

~Lisa A. Forrest~

Content updated on 7/4/17

References

Bonvillain, N., (2010). Gender. Cultural Anthropology. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall.

Pic of Rutina Wesley/Nova Bordelon from Pinterest/pbs.twimg.com

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

The Choice to be Single IV: The Road to Happiness

Before I could attempt to find happiness, I had to find the strength to get out of a bad marriage, rebuild my self-esteem, and learn self-empowerment. Through this process I allowed myself to feel hate for the man who put me through so much. He wanted what he wanted with no regards to me and our marriage, so I had to go. Whenever I broached the subject of divorce, I got to see the violent side of him. I didn’t get beat up (although he did hit me on two occasions, and the second time was when he left), but let me tell you there are other things that are just as bad. They don’t leave visible marks, but they do leave lingering effects.

Allowing myself to feel the hate and anger that I did, was necessary for me in order to get to the point of forgiveness. My hate and anger took a lot of energy, and negative energy can be so draining. By nature, I’ve never been a negative person, but this was one of the lingering effects of his mistreatment. Time is what got me to the point where I no longer needed to feel hate for a man who I did not have to deal with anymore. I had to forgive him in order to continue to heal emotionally, and to have a positive outlook on my future. Anger and hate can eat you up and make you bitter, and I couldn’t allow myself to be that person, so I decided to forgive him. I didn’t go to him and say it, I just told myself that it was time to let go of the anger, and I did. It was the best choice that I could have made in order to begin my road to happiness.

Letting Go of the Anger
Letting go of anything is a process and once I began to let the anger go, I was able to start my next level of healing. But those pesky lingering effects made me cynical and ultra-sensitive. So sensitive to the point that even if I knew a man was joking, it would take me back into the time with my husband. For instance, a guy who I was seeing jokingly said that he’d put me out of his car. Instantly, it jolted me back to the time when my husband tried to push me out of a moving car on the highway. I demanded the guy who I was seeing to take me home, and subsequently ended our friendship at that moment. In time, I eventually got past it and we began to see each other again. It’s a process and when I look back on it I really was in a bad space, mentally. If a man asked me where I was going I would instantly lose my temper. Now in a relationship, that question wouldn’t imply control, but it jolted me back and losing my temper was the internal fight that I would go through.  

The greatest factors in my healing were time, and accepting the fact that I would never be that girl who got married at age 17 again. I had become a different person, a stronger person. I had the strength and voice that I always wished that I had. Life had become very precious to me, and I learned that keeping my mouth shut about things that were important to me, only hurt me. Through the pain I learned to speak up for myself. Learning self-empowerment, and rebuilding my self-esteem, helped me to understand the power of having a voice, and the power of honesty and integrity. Understanding the importance of these things, really enriched my life. These are qualities that I have always had, but they were hidden behind my shyness and my lack of a “voice”. Now when I need to speak my mind, I usually do, no matter the consequences. In time I learned to speak and express myself without the vitriol of my past.  

Self-Acceptance
Healing takes a lot of self-reflecting, learning who you are, and being honest with yourself. You have to learn from every experience, learn to take time for yourself, gain a lot of personal growth through recognizing your weaknesses, and working on them to become strengths. Spiritual awareness is extremely important, and learning to be healthy is very important too. Healing encompasses your mind, body, and spirit.

An understanding of self, and self-acceptance was very important to being happy, for me. Learning to be myself and not feeling as if I have to fit in, was also important. Acceptance by others is never my goal, it is the freedom to be me in any situation.

Accepting our Needs
Many of us (women) are taught at a young age to be humble and not show any type of conceit. We’re not allowed to show self-pride or any type of self-interest. And it’s all fine and well until we are mistreated and verbally subjugated by the men that we fall in love with, and trust to be our protectors. We then have to find a way to learn that we are the beautiful, unique and special individuals that we are. We’re not allowed to admit that we crave attention from the one man who attention would mean the most from, because that makes us appear insecure. I’m here to tell every woman who feels bad about needing your man’s attention, it is not an insecurity. It’s a need that reinforces the APPRECIATION that falls by the wayside in so many relationships, because of the comfort of knowing that we are theirs. I can’t leave out the fact that this goes both ways. Our men need to know that they are needed and appreciated too. Attention is needed on both sides.

I remember as a young wife how much I craved my husband’s attention. Attention that I no longer received after a few years into our marriage. I felt embarrassed for feeling that way, and kept telling myself to stop being so insecure. I now know that I will never say those words to myself again, because they are not true. I have realized the importance of attention from our spouses. This is a world of many uncertainties, rampant infidelities, and unlimited opportunities to be unfaithful, and knowing that the man who we have committed ourselves to, still appreciates us, is very important.

TRUST is invaluable to a healthy relationship. Communication is a big factor in this area. Once trust is breached, it will take a lot to rebuild it, even if it’s possible. Communication now becomes a much bigger factor in regaining trust. It will also take a lot of patience with the person who you betrayed. A second betrayal, is almost a death sentence to the possibility of a healthy relationship. We all have the choice to make decisions in this life. Your choice to do anything that could damage your relationship is your cross to bear. One of the lamest cop outs that I hear from people is “it just happened”. “Think before you act” is such a profound phrase that gets lost in the moment of temptation. The smartest thing that a person can do, is think about what you would do during a moment of temptation, before you experience such a moment. For many, it is to not put yourself in such a position in the first place.

RESPECT is another invaluable aspect to a healthy relationship. Without it, there is no need to entertain any type of relationship, which starts with friendship. If it’s there in the beginning, and you lose it, well if I lose my respect for a person, I can no longer remain in a relationship with that person. Whether it’s a friendship or otherwise. It may cause me to step out of character, and I don’t want to do that to myself.

All of these things are necessary for ME, before I can open my heart to love again. In the meantime, my love for myself is a testimony to my happiness and the education that I received from my experiences. I don’t look at those things that have happened to me as mistakes or things to be bitter about. I look at them as life lessons that made me the woman who I am today. And let me tell you, I like who I am. I am a great person that I am proud to look at in the mirror every morning. I am not perfect, and never will be, but I am human and learning to be better every-day. If I meet a man who I am attracted to that can fulfill my needs for Appreciation, Trust, and Respect reciprocally, maybe I will Love again. But in the meantime, I am loving life because I am still here and it could have been much different, as it is and has been for many women who didn’t make it, whether it be in physical or emotional existence. I appreciate every day on this earth, because every day I am blessed to see another one. Life is a gift! It is up to me to learn to appreciate it, and I do every-day………

~L.A.F.~

Originally written for Early Bird Nation Blogs






Monday, October 17, 2016

The Choice to be Single III: Self-Empowerment

Being in a relationship that tears you down mentally, can break you or force you to learn to become stronger. When you get to the point where you decide, you and your life are much more important than your circumstance, it becomes the turning point to self-empowerment. For most of us, leaving a bad situation gives us emotional and psychological freedom, but for others it can be the freedom from physical harm. Some relationships become so bad, that your choices to leave that relationship come to death, prison, or divorce. So for some, getting out means that you have to mentally prepare yourself to die, and you have to mentally prepare yourself to go to prison, and hope to God that the only thing that you will end up having to have prepared for is divorce. Sadly, in some situations it comes to death, or prison in order to get out of an oppressive relationship. But the alternative is to remain in a situation that doesn’t allow you to LIVE your life; you’re just existing for the purpose of mostly serving your significant other. Some will never understand the meaning of this, and just know that you are blessed if you don’t. But for those who do, this is for you.

Getting Out
Knowing that I could no longer live in my situation, I had to think about how I was going to leave without ending up with yet another loaded gun to my head. I felt that I had to handle it on my own, because if I got my family involved, and one or more of them lost their lives because of me, I didn’t know how I would live with myself. This was my situation, this was the man who I chose, so I had to handle it. Getting a restraining order was not going to protect me, although I went to get one and was ready to have it served, until we got to the house and my stomach was in knots. That was my cue to leave, with the cop and the two people who came with me (at least that’s how I remember it). When I came back home that next day and went to my room to lay down, there was a 357 magnum gun under the pillow. My instincts were right on point. Thank God that I turned around the night before.

I knew that I may not be able to prevent losing my life, but that was much better than continuing to exist in my situation. Or maybe he would be so surprised that I finally got the strength to turn a gun on him, I might get the drop on him and take his life. Prison was still better than continuing to exist in my situation. But in the end, it ended with an attempt at fighting back, with me ending up on the floor after getting hit in the head with a lamp or a fist (I thought it was the lamp, since it broke at the same time that I was hit, but he said that it was his fist). Of course it really doesn’t matter which, but I need to tell my story as accurately as I remember it. When I got up from the floor in tears, I was also bleeding from my nose. I think that we both knew that someone was going to die in that house very soon, so he finally left, and that was the end of my “situation”.

I still had to deal with the threat of him hurting me, at least in my mind, but it all came to a complete end once my divorce became final, 2 years later. I realized after getting my decree, the threats and mean comments stopped once the divorce was official. I was finally free………..

The Aftermath
Rebuilding my self-esteem would take a conscious effort to not allow anyone else’s thoughts and opinions matter to me, when it came to me. In the aftermath of my marriage, it was easy, because emotion was not much of a factor. But as my emotional numbness began to subside, I had to find a way to protect my emotions and rebuild my self-esteem. It took a lot of thinking, praying, reading, self-discipline, focus, and decisions to force myself to believe certain things, in order to build and maintain my self-confidence. What does all of that mean? I had to learn to control my thoughts, to benefit me and my self-esteem. Tolerance wasn’t something that I was willing to nurture. The only importance was to build my self-confidence, and that was going to take a certain amount of selfishness, and quite of bit of narcissistic thinking. To me, it was paramount to building my mental strength, in order to never allow myself to be hurt again.

I learned to think about possible situations that could hurt me emotionally, then I would think of ways to prevent the hurt through my thoughts. An example of what I mean would be this: [When I finally began to think about trying to be in a relationship, I would think about whether I was ready to handle it, if a guy broke up with me. What would I do if that happened? Would I be able to handle it emotionally? So, I told myself that if he broke up with me, that was on him and his lost, because I am a great catch. I would always try to be fair, so the problem would be his.] This type of thinking helped me to develop a high self-esteem, especially because I really believed it. I would think of all of my qualities, and I would always try to do the right thing when I was involved, so why would I ever blame myself if it didn’t work out. In order for that to work, I really did always try to do the right thing. Including admitting when I was wrong. I wasn’t always able to do it in the heat of the moment, but when I thought about it, it wasn’t hard to do.

So, for this type of thinking to work I had to self-reflect often, I had to work on me constantly, I had to try to be the best that I could be for me. Society’s rules and norms didn’t always work for me, so my individualistic thinking and beliefs are what I had to depend on. But not all people are able to pull strength and guidance from individualistic thinking, so those who have a group or family who are supportive, with understanding and positive reinforcement, they should by all means lean on them. But the moment someone makes them feel bad about their situation, they should cut them off. Those types of people will set a person back in their healing. When someone is healing, they should NEVER allow anyone to do that to them. As one heals, they will be able to easily handle those types of people, but in healing they will only need love and support.

Beginning to Heal
Eventually, I no longer needed my somewhat exaggerated type of thinking. Through healing and maturing emotionally, and the fact that I’m a realist, when attempting a relationship of any kind, my sentiment has been “I’ll enjoy it for as long as it lasts”, or “It just wasn’t meant to be”. I always self-reflect after the end of any type of relationship or attempt at one, so that I learn and grow by trying to figure out my contribution to its demise. This type of thinking brings me peace, and helps me to understand what I need and don’t need to maintain my own happiness.

In telling this story, I don’t wish to hurt my ex-husband. As a matter of fact, I had to eventually forgive him in order to move on with my life in a healthy and positive way. Years later, he sincerely apologized to me, and explained to me that he wasn’t able to separate his life in the streets from his home life. He had been in a gang, and gang-warring had just stopped right before we met. We are now friendly, my daughters adore their father, my family still have respect for him, and when you see us at family gatherings, you would never know our history. Unfortunately, many men will relate to this story on different levels, and I hope the ones who are still causing harm will see the error in their ways and get help.

As you can see, there is life after the pain, but it will take a lot of healing and self-empowerment. I really don’t want anyone to put themselves in a situation that could end their life, or send them to jail. Therefore, I am posting some local, national, and international hotlines for the women and men to get help. For those who need to, please use this information.


Abuse Hotlines
Philadelphia Domestic Violence Hotline 1-866-723-3014

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

Help for Abused and Battered Women

Therapy Links
Philadelphia Area

Men’s Resource Center (This one offers phone counseling)

Links for Self-Empowerment and Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem
How I Became Friends with Myself

Self-Empowerment Guide

How to Improve Your Self-Esteem: 12 Powerful Tips

Tips for Building Self-Esteem and Self Love!

A Very Telling Article as to Why Some Men Abuse
Behind the Veil: Inside the Mind of Men “That Abuse”

Originally written for Early Bird Nation Blogs.

Part 4 will be posted tomorrow 10/18/16



Sunday, October 16, 2016

The Choice to be Single II: The Mind Adapts

As we train our minds to adapt to our circumstance, we can cause ourselves to repel men in order to prove ourselves not in need of them. Out of pain, comes the strength to go it alone, and some of us get really good at it. For me, I had a strong need to prove that I could make it without the help of anyone. Well……without any help from any man, that is.

I grew up as a shy, quiet girl in a family of many men, as a daddy’s girl whose father had seven brothers, as a momma’s girl whose mother had three brothers, as the youngest of seven with four brothers, a multitude of male cousins, and many nephews including some who were around my age and older. I was well protected. So when I got married at 17, I married a man who was also over protective of me and our children. When our marriage ended 14 years later (+2 more years until the divorce was final), I was pretty damaged from many of the things that I had gone through over the years. I was a very private person, so my family never knew what I went through, and everyone thought that we had the perfect marriage, until I could no longer live in my situation. It came to an ugly end.

The Cause
So once my marriage was over, I was emotionally devoid. I also needed to prove that I didn’t need the help of any man to make it in this life. I had been taken care of all of my life, and it was time for me to take care of myself. So I wanted nothing monetary from any man, and that included my ex-husband. I would take care of my own children without any alimony or child support. I had a family that had always stood by me, and I wanted to wash my hands completely of my ex-husband, but that did not affect his access to his children in any way. Once my anger calmed, our children was the one subject that we came together on.

The Effect
My journey to complete independence spilled over into my relationships with the men in my life. I wanted nothing monetary from them, and I needed us to be on equal footing, so that I never had to feel obligated to anyone. I never had to experience what my husband did when he tried to teach me a lesson for working outside of the home. When I decided to go to work after being home for 10 years raising our children, he did nothing for me anymore. It’s the same lesson that I have seen and heard that many men have done to their women who depended on them, when they (the men) didn’t get their way. Withhold money and the ability to use their vehicle.

So what lesson should a woman learn from a man like that? I learned to never depend on a man again, and to always have my own. That’s what I learned, and I taught my daughters to always have their own, no matter what. My focused goal in life was to become as independent as I possibly could for the rest of my life.

I had a hard time accepting money, gifts, and any kind of help from men, for many years. And I still have a bit of a hard time with it, but because I’m conscious of it, and I have softened a bit, when I realize that someone is genuinely trying to help me, I try to allow them to help me. For me, that is growth. So when you’re met with oppression and find your way out of it, you do what-ever you have to do, to never experience oppression again.

Once you get these kinds of thoughts in your head, you fight to never go back to your position of oppression, and your mind adapts to that thought process. It becomes a part of who you are, and you won’t let anything deviate you away from it. Normally, if you’ve come out of a bad relationship, you want no parts of another for a long time. The problem is, that long time can cause you to get use to going it alone, and on top of that, you lose the ability and the patience for tolerating men for any real length of time. You adapt yet another dividing factor that will prevent you from being able to be in, much less maintain, a relationship.

The Fix
For some of us, enough time will pass for us to soften and become conscious of our issues. If not, we become intolerant of allowing any man to share our time and space, and will prefer to dwell in our own independence; To remain the empowered women that we have fought so hard to become; To prove that we don’t need a man in order to be validated in this “man’s” world; To make sure that everyone knows, that we don’t need a man to make it.

For those of us who identify our lack of tolerance, as an issue that prevents man/woman harmony, for the sake of proving that we will never NEED the help of a man to make it in this life, we can make a conscious effort to make amends as we soften. These amends will not come easily, because the fight to overcome the causes of the pain, becomes engrained in our being. The women who learn to fight for their independence, become empowered by their independence. That fight becomes a part of who we are, and is not easily put aside. It will most definitely take a very patient man to love us through it, and to hang in there while we battle with our own strength and power to find a different cause to transport it to.

In closing, I would like to say to the men that love the women who have suffered through some life altering adversities, please be patient and remember this story. Having insight into our battles is actually a tool to give you a slight upper hand in knowing how to help her through it, to love her through it, to guide her through it. Some of us just don’t know how to relegate our strength and power, even when we want to be loved. It’s a hard thing to do, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to love, because it also leaves us vulnerable to the pain that made us fight so hard, to have a fortress around our hearts in the first place. Please be careful with such a fragile part of our strength. That just may be the key to beginning a beautiful, yet rocky, journey to the love affair of your life……..

~L.A.F.~

Originally written for Early Bird Nation Blogs

Part 3 will be posted tomorrow 10/17/16

Saturday, October 15, 2016

The Choice to be Single: One Woman's Story


After ending a bad marriage and coming out of it feeling emotionally numb, all I wanted was to feel again. To feel pretty again, to feel sexy again, to feel wanted again, and to feel desired again. So when I met a guy who I was attracted to, and he did all of those things for me, that’s who I was drawn to. I would never have gotten involved with a man who didn’t desire me, and who didn’t think that I was pretty and sexy. In a quest to rebuild my self-esteem, I needed those things from the opposite sex.


Towards the end of my 16 year marriage, I had learned to separate my emotion from the sex, in order to maintain a sexual relationship with the man that I no longer loved. That feat actually gave me the ability to have emotionally detached sex. I learned to be able to satisfy my sexual desires, without the need for an emotional connection. I eventually learned that, that ability also gave me a type of power. It took me some years to realize what was going on, but that is gist of it.

In time, I met a guy that fell in love with me unconditionally. Unconditional Love! You couldn’t ask for a better type of love, yet I couldn’t love him the same. My love for him wasn’t unconditional, so it didn’t work out. We both had some deep emotional issues that prevented us from maintaining a healthy relationship. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice the things that I needed to empower myself, in order for me to survive as a single woman, to remain in a relationship with him. I could not accept his issues, unconditionally. We did much better just maintaining a friendship, and he was still a very important part of my emotional healing.

So over time, I did get into another relationship that lasted 2 years, but it just wasn’t what I needed it to be. After giving my heart twice, following my marriage, and those relationships not working out, I didn’t feel like I could keep giving my heart over and over, so my choice was to remain single. But remaining single didn’t mean giving up having sex. So when getting involved sexually with someone, I made it clear, up front, that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. There had to be a connection, just not an emotional one. And that worked for me.

Focusing on my career and my independence took precedence over any desire for a relationship. It just wasn’t important. Over the years I made a couple of attempts at a relationship, but none lasted beyond four to six months. True colors begin to show by that time, and the colors weren’t pretty. None were bad guys, but they had personality flaws that I couldn’t accept and didn’t have time for. Single was the name of the game.

As I get older, my patience gets less, and my space gets harder to share. The qualities that I would want in a man don’t seem too abundant, and settling is not an option. What are those qualities? Mutual love, respect, and appreciation. Sound simple enough? It does, but there’s something to say for chemistry and an intellectual connection. I’m good with my single life, and sometimes can’t imagine sharing my bed with someone every night.

My story is one of many similar stories as to why so many women choose to remain single. It’s a choice that we are lucky to have, because of the women who fought for us to have it. I truly appreciate the ability to have that choice, because without it, my life would have been so different in a not so good way. The freedom of choice, is a beautiful freedom that I will never take for granted.


~L.A.F~      

Originally written for Early Bird Nation Blogs

Part 2 will be shared on 10/16/16                         

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Seduction II: 10 Ways That Men Can Learn to Turn Their Women on



Women can be a little more complicated than men, yet it’s still the simplest things that make us desire you. For some men it just comes natural. Those are men that tend to be viewed as a "ladies man." The one unique quality they have is the ability to make EVERY woman feel special, and it takes an attentive man to recognize what means the most to his particular woman. That is actually any man’s ticket to the heart of his woman……To make her always feel special. Learning to make your woman feel special, will certainly help to stimulate her. Here are 10 ways to help you do just that.



   1.   Make Her Feel SPECIAL

Always make sure that your woman feels like she’s the most special woman in the world. When you’re out at a social gathering, make eye contact often. Let her know with your gaze that out of all the people in the room, she belongs to you. When you’re walking side by side, grab her hand sometimes, when you’re in the car together, peak over at her and lay your hand on her thigh for a minute. These things can give us a sense of comfort that we still have your heart.

   2.   Show Real Interest

Always show real interest in what your woman is doing. Be a great listener and her best support system. You will actually learn a lot about what she needs from you, by listening to her with real interest.


   3.   Touch her
    
Women love to be touched by their man. When you kiss your woman, touch her face. Come up behind her randomly and hug her from behind. If you run into her out in public, grab her and give her a big bear hug, and watch her smile for days. Try to always be attentive and affectionate. But here’s a link to some more intimate touches. Check it out: http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip/32b_love_tip.html 

   4.   Do it, Just Because

Do the dishes for her, just because. Run her bath water for her, just because. Take her car to get it serviced, just because. You don’t need a reason to take over her chores once in a while, and that is a great way to show your woman that you care, non-verbally. Always remember the old adage “Actions speak louder than words”.


   5.   Be the Leader

Many women have to work and take care of their families and home too. They have a lot on their plates, and have to be in control most of the time, so it’s nice to relinquish some of that control when their man is around. It gives them a bit of relief to know that they, and their children, are in good hands and well protected.


   6.   Wear Cologne

Wearing cologne is one of the easiest aphrodisiacs that you can use. We love a good smelling man. Some of the best smelling colognes (panty droppers) out there are:

·         ‘Creed’ Virgin Island Water
·         ‘Yves Saint Laurent’ L’Homme
·         ‘Tom Ford’s’ Neroli Portofino
·         ‘Versace’ Man
·         ‘Chanel’ Bleu


   7.   Kissing

We love kisses! The little pecks on the cheek, on the forehead, on the lips……Just Kiss Us! Another one of the easiest things that men can do to show affection, is to kiss us every-day before we part, and every-night when we meet back up. You might as well throw a hug in there too. Even if we are asleep when you leave the house, never forget to kiss us. Don’t worry about waking us up, we will usually fall back to sleep, with pleasure.


   8.   Bathe Her

Whether you’re taking a bath with her, or washing her back from the side of the tub, bathe your woman. Washing her hair is also quite romantic. If you want to make it an extra special night, run her bath water with a nicely scented bubble bath, have scented candles burning all around the tub or bathroom. If there’s enough candlelight, leave the lights turned off. Maybe even throw some rose petals in the bathwater, and have a bottle of wine waiting on the side of the tub. You can join her, or let her relax alone, but don’t forget to tell her to let you know when she needs you to wash her back.


   9.   Massages

Taking the time to give us a massage, shows attentiveness, patience, and caring. Those things can mean more to us than the massage itself. Here’s a link to some pointers: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a4211/sensual-massage/

  10.  Compliment Her

Never forget to compliment her. A lot of women get complimented all the time by other men, but for some reason it seems like the man that it would mean the most from, doesn’t seem to see what other men see. The first thing many of us think of when we get complimented is our man, and the fact that he didn’t notice. The thought is usually fleeting, but it’s there. When you know that she put extra effort into looking good for whatever reason, compliment her. When she accomplishes something that’s important to her, compliment her. When she does something that makes you proud, let her know. Whenever you think about how lucky you are, just out of the blue, call her up and let her know. We really appreciate this type of thoughtfulness and attentiveness.

These things will make us want to do whatever we can to please you, and that includes in the bedroom. When we are happy and treated well by our men, we like pleasing you. Guys, this can give you more leverage to get what you want, more than anything. Just remember to treat us like the Queens that we should be seen as (you wouldn’t marry or commit to anything less, would you?), and we will gladly treat you like the Kings that you are.

“What will seduce a person is the effort we expend on their behalf, showing how much we care, how much they are worth.
Leaving things to chance is a recipe for disaster, and reveals that we do not take love and romance very seriously (Greene, 2001).”
~The Art of Seduction~

References

Barker, E. (February 15, 2013). 7 Spots your guy should touch (but doesn’t). Cosmopolitan.

Greene, R. (2001). The art of seduction. New York, NY: Penguin Books.

Strovny, D. (2015). Top ten female erogenous zones. Ask Men.
            Retrieved from http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip/32b_love_tip.html