The Choice to be Single IV: The Road to Happiness

Before I could attempt to find happiness, I had to find the strength to get out of a bad marriage, rebuild my self-esteem, and learn self-empowerment. Through this process I allowed myself to feel hate for the man who put me through so much. He wanted what he wanted with no regards to me and our marriage, so I had to go. Whenever I broached the subject of divorce, I got to see the violent side of him. I didn’t get beat up (although he did hit me on two occasions, and the second time was when he left), but let me tell you there are other things that are just as bad. They don’t leave visible marks, but they do leave lingering effects.

Allowing myself to feel the hate and anger that I did, was necessary for me in order to get to the point of forgiveness. My hate and anger took a lot of energy, and negative energy can be so draining. By nature, I’ve never been a negative person, but this was one of the lingering effects of his mistreatment. Time is what got me to the point where I no longer needed to feel hate for a man who I did not have to deal with anymore. I had to forgive him in order to continue to heal emotionally, and to have a positive outlook on my future. Anger and hate can eat you up and make you bitter, and I couldn’t allow myself to be that person, so I decided to forgive him. I didn’t go to him and say it, I just told myself that it was time to let go of the anger, and I did. It was the best choice that I could have made in order to begin my road to happiness.

Letting Go of the Anger

Letting go of anything is a process and once I began to let the anger go, I was able to start my next level of healing. But those pesky lingering effects made me cynical and ultra-sensitive. So sensitive to the point that even if I knew a man was joking, it would take me back into the time with my husband. For instance, a guy who I was seeing jokingly said that he’d put me out of his car. Instantly, it jolted me back to the time when my husband tried to push me out of a moving car on the highway. I demanded the guy who I was seeing to take me home, and subsequently ended our friendship at that moment. In time, I eventually got past it and we began to see each other again. It’s a process and when I look back on it I really was in a bad space, mentally. If a man asked me where I was going I would instantly lose my temper. Now in a relationship, that question wouldn’t imply control, but it jolted me back and losing my temper was the internal fight that I would go through.  

The greatest factors in my healing were time, and accepting the fact that I would never be that girl who got married at age 17 again. I had become a different person, a stronger person. I had the strength and voice that I always wished that I had. Life had become very precious to me, and I learned that keeping my mouth shut about things that were important to me, only hurt me. Through the pain I learned to speak up for myself. Learning self-empowerment, and rebuilding my self-esteem, helped me to understand the power of having a voice, and the power of honesty and integrity. Understanding the importance of these things, really enriched my life. These are qualities that I have always had, but they were hidden behind my shyness and my lack of a “voice”. Now when I need to speak my mind, I usually do, no matter the consequences. In time I learned to speak and express myself without the vitriol of my past.  

Self-Acceptance

Healing takes a lot of self-reflecting, learning who you are, and being honest with yourself. You have to learn from every experience, learn to take time for yourself, gain a lot of personal growth through recognizing your weaknesses, and working on them to become strengths. Spiritual awareness is extremely important, and learning to be healthy is very important too. Healing encompasses your mind, body, and spirit.

An understanding of self, and self-acceptance was very important to being happy, for me. Learning to be myself and not feeling as if I have to fit in, was also important. Acceptance by others is never my goal, it is the freedom to be me in any situation.

Accepting our Needs

Many of us (women) are taught at a young age to be humble and not show any type of conceit. We’re not allowed to show self-pride or any type of self-interest. And it’s all fine and well until we are mistreated and verbally subjugated by the men that we fall in love with, and trust to be our protectors. We then have to find a way to learn that we are the beautiful, unique and special individuals that we are. We’re not allowed to admit that we crave attention from the one man who attention would mean the most from, because that makes us appear insecure. I’m here to tell every woman who feels bad about needing your man’s attention, it is not an insecurity. It’s a need that reinforces the APPRECIATION that falls by the wayside in so many relationships, because of the comfort of knowing that we are theirs. I can’t leave out the fact that this goes both ways. Our men need to know that they are needed and appreciated too. Attention is needed on both sides.

I remember as a young wife how much I craved my husband’s attention. Attention that I no longer received after a few years into our marriage. I felt embarrassed for feeling that way, and kept telling myself to stop being so insecure. I now know that I will never say those words to myself again, because they are not true. I have realized the importance of attention from our spouses. This is a world of many uncertainties, rampant infidelities, and unlimited opportunities to be unfaithful, and knowing that the man who we have committed ourselves to, still appreciates us, is very important.

TRUST is invaluable to a healthy relationship. Communication is a big factor in this area. Once trust is breached, it will take a lot to rebuild it, even if it’s possible. Communication now becomes a much bigger factor in regaining trust. It will also take a lot of patience with the person who you betrayed. A second betrayal, is almost a death sentence to the possibility of a healthy relationship. We all have the choice to make decisions in this life. Your choice to do anything that could damage your relationship is your cross to bear. One of the lamest cop outs that I hear from people is “it just happened”. “Think before you act” is such a profound phrase that gets lost in the moment of temptation. The smartest thing that a person can do, is think about what you would do during a moment of temptation, before you experience such a moment. For many, it is to not put yourself in such a position in the first place.

RESPECT is another invaluable aspect to a healthy relationship. Without it, there is no need to entertain any type of relationship, which starts with friendship. If it’s there in the beginning, and you lose it, well if I lose my respect for a person, I can no longer remain in a relationship with that person. Whether it’s a friendship or otherwise. It may cause me to step out of character, and I don’t want to do that to myself.

All of these things are necessary for ME, before I can open my heart to love again. In the meantime, my love for myself is a testimony to my happiness and the education that I received from my experiences. I don’t look at those things that have happened to me as mistakes or things to be bitter about. I look at them as life lessons that made me the woman who I am today. And let me tell you, I like who I am. I am a great person that I am proud to look at in the mirror every morning. I am not perfect, and never will be, but I am human and learning to be better every-day. If I meet a man who I am attracted to that can fulfill my needs for Appreciation, Trust, and Respect reciprocally, maybe I will Love again. But in the meantime, I am loving life because I am still here and it could have been much different, as it is and has been for many women who didn’t make it, whether it be in physical or emotional existence. I appreciate every day on this earth, because every day I am blessed to see another one. Life is a gift! It is up to me to learn to appreciate it, and I do every-day………

~L.A.F.~

Originally written for Early Bird Nation Blogs